So, it's the end of my two weeks in Thailand. Not that I've actually done any real sightseeing, other than on Koh Phi Phi. Canada was chock-full of painful memories for me, and Thailand, on the other hand, comprised of genuinely happy experiences. Yet both have made me ponder and wonder, and have both messed with my internal wirings. Again, I shouldn't let everything affect me so deeply. It must be hazardous to my health. Honestly, it was an impulse move to visit Thailand and to volunteer there, but hey, spontanity has its rewards, and this is certainly a fine example.
I have so much to write, but once again, it's insecurity preventing me from displaying my heart on my sleeve. Maybe it's part of me that selfishly wants to make my trip in Thailand solely mine. I don't know where to start. Thailand is surreal. I went there with the assumption that people are shy and conservative, and in a few cases, been proven completely wrong. Thailand is a land bursting with colour, culture and tradition. Besides beautiful beaches and graceful women decked in gold, Thailand has so much more to offer. I confess, my fascination with Thailand started because: they were the only country in SEAsia that wasn't conquered by the Japanese, Chang and Eng, the fact that everyone still had so much love and respect for their King and bashfully, also the movie Anna and the King, which I loved when I was young, with its gold finery and grand splendour. I also thought that because of well, the transvestites, it's also a place where one can freely choose for themselves what they want to be. Sexuality and racial preferrences can be adopted according to choice. It's such a contrast between the liberty there and the rigidity to conformation here. I can't believe it's taken me so long to finally step out of my shell and visit our neighbours. All that culture, all that grand history all around me, and there I was, a frog in the well acting like an arrogant arse. I've only seen that one part of Thailand, and it has amazed me so already. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more of Thailand. I still didn't get to get any information about that singer with the sexy voice though, although now I know her name ;) What I didn't know about Thailand is definitely the darker side of it. Women are sold all over the place for prostitution, gender rights are still very unequal, the politics etc. Yet that just adds to the intrigue that is Thailand. You can't really define a country, and all you can do is perhaps just try to gain a fuller picture of its social, political and economical background. Thais are probably the best representative - the children are the loveliest in the entire world if I might say so, and the adults are kind, nice and very friendly. To the extent that sometimes I'm a little scared of them (but that is reserved for another post another day).
Two weeks. Five schools, two orphanages, one adult conversational class, numerous ultra-nice people, twice that number of mosquitoes, lots of alcohol, sunny smiles, bare feet, shimmering sea, warm sand... seems like a good vacation. And it was (okay maybe except the mozzie part). Only it wasn't meant to be one. "What happened to summer vacation?" exclaimed one shocked volunteer after she found out that I was doing intensive German before volunteering in Thailand. Yet what I don't understand, is how she can find doing such things a chore.
My thoughts are all over the place. I'm in desperate need of a filing system. The window is drenched with sunlight, the speakers blare a sad song, and my heart is trying to forget my yearning to return. As Damien Rice sings, I can't take my mind of you. I think of those cherubic faces and cheeky smiles, and my heart melts. I know I would die if I were to become a teacher, but for now, I would give anything to be with them at this very moment. The children is not the only part - there are also the awesome TVC people, the Jerung staff (my Thai family!), my fellow volunteers, the Lazy House guys, the Thai volunteers et al. I miss all the quirks and precious moments. There may be some things you can't remember, but everything is an integral part of my collection and will remain in my heart for years to come. I am extremely priviledged to be able to meet some intensely passionate people, people with a desire to better their country, people with a strong calling to help their world, people who possess a gigantic heart and expect nothing in return. I am humbled, dwarfed and have shrunk to probably about one foot tall.
It's one thing to teach a song to a student; it's another for the student to sing it back to you the following week. It's one thing to make a fool out of yourself in front of a class and get the students laughing; it's another to get the entire class to do that exact action and laugh together. It's one thing to hand out candy to students; it's another when a student shares her lollipops with you. It's one thing to spend time with someone teaching him how to pronounce a word properly, and another when he tells you it's become his favourite word the next lesson. (And I can really go on and on, but.) In the end, it's the little things that really count, and I guess all I'm saying is, there were so many unexpected surprises along the way that more than made up for any inadequacies during the process.
I miss everyone so badly, I don't know what I'll do if I never get to go back. I was just watching the video of Maad (how to spell?), Bow, Nam and Mai dancing, and a strong bittersweet feeling fills my lungs and suffocates me. I should never allow myself to get so attached. But how can you help it? How can you control your feelings? I've never been good at restraining myself emotionally. Canada has made me a human again, grinding me back to basics and forcing me out of my comfort zone. If I get so attached to some kids I've only known for such a short time, it must be much worse for the kids themselves.
Strange men literally helping me cross the road, by carrying my bags and holding my hand (uh do I look like 8 to you?). People coming up to me and speaking incessantly in Thai. Weird men trying to huddle close and wanting to 'go with me'. Cars stopping and asking if I would like a ride (this is very common and safe in Thailand but accepting it is an invitation for rape, plunder and/or murder in certain parts of Malaysia). Funny people asking me my opinions on love and relationships (how do I resemble Dr. Love?). You find weirdos everywhere, and that list isn't even exhaustive. Sorry, but I'm used to a country where people generally mind their own business, and I expect people here to stare in shock and then rush to jot down the car plate number for 4D if they witness an accident.
The smiles, the laughter, the sweat, the mosquito bites. The worries, the sadness, the insults. The jokes, the puns, the passionate speeches. The anxiety, the laidback style, the feeling at home. So many different emotions and feelings have run (and are still running) their course through these two weeks; it's truly my good fortune.
Thailand is a blessed land indeed. The tsunami may have caused destruction and wrecked havoc physically, but the spirit of the people still live on. Hope, spirit and love. That's all you need.
