I don't know how I went off tangent and completely missed out my point I was supposed to make with the last post. It's about being afraid. I've always wanted to become vegetarian; not that I have some big heart for animals - in contrast, I believe survival of the fittest is a way of life. I believe that humans are omnivorous for a reason, and as civilised beings, we have a choice to make as to what we put in our mouths, and also what we should and shouldn't do (do not judge me on my beliefs - everyone's are different). Why have I, then, waited so long to give up meat? One word - fear. I'm 18 years old, still dependent on my parents and as my mum says of her childhood, "when I was young, nobody taught of turning vegetarian. If there was even food, we'd be satisfied." I was a difficult enough child. Even now, my mum doesn't like me not eating meat, much less in the past when she used to go after me with a cane (which I think stifled my individualism and free-thinking a little, but that is too much of a digression). Back to fear. I have been afraid of bringing trouble to others. As I mentioned in the last post, P'Som had to eat two plates of food, and before that, we had to find some place that actually sold vegetable dishes. I've found that I've brought quite a lot of trouble to people. L is not very happy with my giving up meat, I had to turn down my Thai mum's invitation to dinner, Penang-ites have brought me all over the place only to find out that I can't eat anything (not Nasi Kandar, not lok lok, not Penang laksa, the list goes on), my dad has brought me to different places in search of meatless foods. It's scary how reliant we are on meats, be it chicken, fish, pork, beef, mutton. or duck.
I've been told off for being afraid to trouble people, most prominently in 2002, where this guy shouted in my face and later threatened me with a penknife. Doesn't seem to help. In Thailand, I've refused offers to ride pillion on motorbikes not because I'm scared about it being dangerous (I actually want to learn how to ride a motorbike), but because I'm concious of my weight. Even after Elaine told me that people there were used to 2 or 3 people riding pillion, I still don't want to. After a performance in Kuantan once, I was wandering the streets alone at about 1am, and had only minimal Bahasa. My arms were full of posters, flowers and gifts, and my bag full of CDs and costumes. I was enquiring about a taxi to rush to the bus station, and this Malay woman whom I could hardly communicate with took me on her bike, and although I was 'normal' then, I still felt that I had inconvenienced her tremendously. I hate being unable to help, but I hate inconveniencing people even more. I remember P'Goi telling me about confidence, and that's scary because I haven't had someone talk to me about confidence since 2002. I think for me, it's more of self-value that I lack. I keep thinking that I'm not worth it, and Sarah's done way too much work with me on that, but still, I'm hopeless. Only I can make myself feel that I'm actually of some worth, and I'm not there yet. Other people don't influence me a lot, but that is both an advantage(having my own mind, not being swayed/brainwashed easily etc) and a disadvantage(stubborn, not easily motivated etc).
One mistake I made was to tell Elaine my age in the first email. I didn't expect it to be that big of a deal, and only included it because some organisations don't accept people below a certain age. I felt so protected by all the 'big sisters and brothers' who really weren't very much older. Granted, I know where Elaine was coming from, especially since *hello* I'm Singaporean, and I appreciate that, but I really just wanted to be one of them, not a little kid who needs to be taken care of. People like Off and Benz, and P'Wood, of course, were all my age, but they were all streetsmart, unlike Singaporeans my age (much less Canadians, sorry!) or really, my social class. Volunteering often gives one a sense of being of a higher class than those you reach out to, and that's something I've been trying to tackle for a long time now. It's difficult not being elitist, especially if you look at the groups I've been thrown into so far. (It doesn't help that philosophers are bloody arrogant saviour-of-the-world shit.) I think I do see them as equals, pretty much, but when I interact with the farangs(not just in Thailand), it's quite obvious that they think we're beneath them. Pride and prejudice much? Or should I say White Man's Burden? Age is just a number, really.
My last week in Thailand was quite horrible, really. I didn't do much the entire week as I had gotten sick. My head was heavy and dizzy, my respiratory tract was all clogged up, and my throat felt like it was constantly under attack. I sounded like a man and my vision consisted of people swirling about. The day before I left, I went to Home & Life to say my goodbyes to the kids, and also give them the gifts that I brought from Singapore (which is justification for my numerous bags okay!) and also those I bought in Khao Lak. I asked Rhi if she wanted to go too, for she didn't really say goodbye as well. She mentioned that she did not want to get upset, or get the kids upset, and that is a very valid reason, of course, but to me, I'd rather be upset than have regrets. Life is too short not to experience the full range of human emotions, and it is even shorter to have any regrets. In the past, I was quite stony - no tears, making others cry - being an emotionless meanass in short. In recent years, I've discovered my own tear ducts, and somehow the waterworks have been quite steadfast. I don't think crying's childish - I'd rather have emotions that bottle them inside unhealthily - in fact, I think crying's brought a whole new dimension to me. It made me realise my vulnerability, how my priorities have changed, and it made me realise what is important to me. And I am afraid of losing them. I think I've become more human, although I still retain some of my detached-ness.
Regrets. Some people don't dare to do certain things because they're afraid. Some people don't dare to live, for they're afraid of shame, or of losing their pride. Some people don't dare to give, for they're afraid they will get nothing in return. Some people don't dare to love, for they're afraid of their past, or of their future.They're unable to be like teenagers, carelessly unthinking of the future, unable to invest their love without fear of being ruthlessly thrown to the ground again, without fear of not having a future. "Why love when love hurts, why love when love ends? ... It ends with the pain, and the making amends; why love when there's peace, in the making of friends?" Do you know what I think about that? I say, screw it. If you're just going to think of the end product, you're missing out. Sometimes you just have to be selfish and follow your heart. A relationship is mutually parasitic, but the happy times do outweigh the bitterness. But sometimes, it's easier to dish out advice than to take it in.
Perhaps fasting is not my only reason to give up meat, but, frankly, to me, religion is also improving myself spiritually and as a whole. Last year I gave up MSN messenger. The year before, lunch (with the donation of lunch money to charity). This year, it's meat. Similarly, I also want to volunteer somewhere every year. Thailand this year, hopefully somewhere else in Asia again next year (if my plans go well), before I move on to some other part of the world after that. I think I've fallen in love with volunteering - it's difficult not to. I might just do a TEFL course next year, if I'm not too tied up. One of the reasons that compelled me to return to Khao Lak was the overwhelming feeling that there was so much to do and I had done so little. To borrow a quote from Nimesh, it does feel like my work is not completed just yet. But to me, my work will never be done. There is so much to do all over the world, in every city, in every street. There is only so much we can do, but if we don't help our fellow man, no one will help us. I'm lucky to have such a good education and giving back to society is the least I can do.
On my first day of school, a Taiwanese guy asked me why I chose Penang instead of Kuala Lumpur, and I was stumped momentarily. I started to agree with him - KL is the big city, and it's so convenient there. Haven't I been citing inconvenience as a reason for disliking Canada? I've always told myself that L, did not, in any way, influence my decision to move back, but although I did, I did not pick what seemed like that natural choice, Kuala Lumpur. Perhaps I really want to put an end once and for all. (Then why did you choose Malaysia, my dear girl?) I hate my inner voice. Anyway, he was a big part of my life for three years, but that's done now. I've moved on, and I hope he will too.
Inconvenience. Referring to the inability to move around (transport-wise), inconvenience has a lot of significance to me, almost paralleling to freedom. In Canada, I was a caged bird, and things only improved when I got a bicycle. In Thailand, I didn't like to hitch-hike, and it felt horrible getting someone to drive me to TVC and back. I felt so bad when P'Kaew 'scolded' P'Woody for picking me up from Jerung, as well as when Loong Ken had to drive us to Koh Nok School and then rush off to Ban Sak School. Plus of course, countless times getting a lift from TVC to town, or from Lazy House to TVC. Doesn't help when the Thai team reminds you that the volunteers used to drive themselves to the schools and back. It feels terrible having to depend on others. Here in Penang, I hate the fact that I live a distance away from town, so it's difficult having to get groceries or getting to Deutsch class. It doesn't help that taxi fares are exorbitent here. (Plus that taxi driver today was getting a little too friendly for my comfort (more details in my livejournal) , so that further reinforces my desire to learn to drive and also to ride a motorbike.) I know I shouldn't go against people I love, but sorry mum, I need to find my own independence and as well as I understand your rationale and where you're coming from, please do try to understand mine as well. I do appreciate your protectivity, but I need to try to break away from that shelter of being a spoilt brat that has no survival skills whatsoever. Please don't even get me started on not knowing how to cook. I don't want to be a pampered kid that can't take hardship. I'm living on my own, I crave independence, please just let me. It's funny how we laugh at cliches about what growing up encompasses, and how we think that that would never happen to us, and yet it does. Generation gap, anyone?
