It's Saturday evening and I'm sitting at home, alone of course, facing the whitewashed walls and forcing myself to actually read some Biology which I don't even remember studying. I must have, or I wouldn't have passed my exams, but hell, I have no recollection at all. Even if I did, that was a long time ago. So anyway, I'm wiping my tears and trying to make some sense of everything. The last time I spoke to someone was like 3 minutes ago, on the phone, and the last time I saw someone was about 4 hours ago. Still I feel incredibly lonely. I want someone to talk to, and although Tilly said yesterday she'd always be there for me and a few other people around have said the same, it's difficult to find someone who can truly understand. I need a good confidante but my friends are so far away from me. Lucky still shouts 'Where the hell are you' as a greeting every time we're on MSN, and 843262 other people keep asking me 'So, where are you today?'
The counsellor, I think, is fed up with me too, because I'm so obstinate. I did take her advice and go to the beach to chill, though, and that was fine and dandy. But still, I think the problem lies with being alone. I'm getting cranky, yelling at my loved ones over the phone, getting upset at the landlord's refusal to pay for the broken stuff in the apartment, getting frustrated at: black spots in my white T-shirts from the wash, dead bugs that fly in and the incessant praying that happens like 5, 6 times a day. Of course, there're tonnes of work to be done and I really don't feel like doing any of it. I shouldn't have unplugged the TV, but then Malaysian TV isn't that exciting, is it? Perhaps I should go live with Akiko Sensei or something if I didn't think it'll be that awkward. I do love her and Japanese lessons though. L
My dear Chang Noi See Som has been really nice though! Love you; thank you for keeping me sane. Of course, thanks also to a certain person who tried to prank call me but sucked so badly. I can't believe my alcohol tolerance has suffered so much – but hahaha at least I'm not like CNSS who is allergic to alcohol and refused to drink any despite temptation last night.
Thailand will be good for me and my sanity, although I'm not too thrilled about going to Bangkok so early. Really look forward to see P' Jang and go to Ayutthaya with her! My plans for sightseeing have been dashed, and I just found out I'm not able to go for the Conference thing in December, so I guess I really have no fate with Bangkok. I don't know what Chiang Rai will be like. I think the people there will be vastly different, although P' Nui says there are lots of Chinese there. I'm scared, this time, I am. I don't know why, but there's this inexplicable trepidation and unfounded ominent foreboding. It's probably just nerves, but I have no idea what I'm nervous for.
Maybe I should just stop trying because I'm clearly not cut out for this. So much for changing direction. I still end up at square zero, Lord. I wish I could just die a slob because now I'm a slob dying to not be one and really dying in the process. How can I be a slob and still answer to my conscience? I hate how people say that I'm under immense pressure because it really is not easy to make the transition, how it's not easy to live alone, how it's not easy to work and study at the same time, even though it's true. I refuse to admit to my shortcomings and perhaps that will really be the death of me. My toilet light is flickering unevenly and it's giving me the creeps. Okay now that was random.
I miss everyone. I need to talk to someone before I go mad, literally. This is the epitome of a sad, distressed life. Dwindling away, alone in a foreign land, without a penny to my name and still bills to pay, laundry to iron, and living each day without a general purpose.
Screw it, I'm gonna get dinner and a few DVDs from the night market downstairs. Bah to Biology.
