hello

zerite.net

MOVED

this blog is officially closed :D
if you want to know where i've moved (or rather will be moving to), please email me at christmasyve[@]gmail.com

and yes, i will really blog more this time. plus pictures. yes.



walau. so excited sia. hahaha!!

018 * DISAPPOINTMENTS AND MOTIVATIONS

life has somehow gotten so wretched these days.

no more. no more problems, no more troubles, no more worries, no more pining. i don't want to hurt you any further. sunday night scared me. i have never witnessed a grown man cry so bitterly in my entire life. i heard the sound of his heart breaking. it was more chilling than glass, more brittle than eggshells, sharper than a dagger, and yet my heart breathed its last before his did.

have you ever cried so hard it feels like your head's either about to cave in or burst out? like nothing in the world matters anymore. your breathing is short and rapid, and you're gasping for breath like you're drowning. drowning in a goldfish bowl, in a world of suffocation and low oxygen levels. you're more than overwhelmed. you're struggling for air in an oxygen-deprived world, where everyone's face is blue and blood no longer flows.

never have i felt so betrayed, so hurt, so angry, so frustrated, so sad. and i can no longer face you.

i don't know how she can take my trust, manipulate my faith and destroy her friends who have known her since she was four.

but it's okay. it's over, and i will put it behind me. for i am stronger than that. to be honest i've had enough of malaysia. even though kl is my first choice, i think i would really rather go to australia now. as s says, there's really no place else in the world that people [in the service sector] will actually do that. i've had enough living in a place where consumers are treated so poorly. if singapore is not a gracious society, then malaysia is far, far worse. maybe i've just gotten used to the sweet nature of canadians or the english. well maybe not all english *ahem ahem*

i've been writing, but of late i've been writing in so many different places it's a little hard to catch up. anyway. it's time to get into the groove. from now on, life's gonna get exciting :) can't wait for school to be out. 2008 promises plenty, and i intend to squeeze it for all it's worth.

i miss you lord. please lead me back to you. you'll still always be my numero uno.

017 * TOO BORED FOR WORDS

Sometimes I admire people who just write and write everyday. I used to be part of that group who scoffed at others' daily mundane updates of their boring lives. Yet they are the ones who win in the end, because they have a keepsake of their memories and their everyday lives. I don't want to be like them - rather, I'd want to have a meaningful, fulfilling life AND keep my experiences recorded too. Though sometimes my words fail to describe my emotions, and I delete my halfdone entry because it didn't seem to justify it.

Heck, I want to be one of those frivolous girls who blog about their shopping and their new hair or how they lubb theiir boyfr13nd5.

*reads line above. pukes. cleans puke up.*

Okay I was kidding. But I will make an effort to write more frequently. (Yea you know she always says this but...) & pictures! Word-only blogs suck. Bye for now. Exam tomorrow. Going to watch a movie. Err... I mean study. /end randomness

016 * 2007 IN REFLECTION

I don't really remember much, but I'll try.

In no chronological order..
1) Went to Thailand on my own for 2 weeks (first trip to Thailand) , returned for another 2 the following week
2) Fell in love with Thailand
3) Went again to Chiang Rai for a week and ended up staying for another
4) Got really sick :(
5) Missed CNY like crazy in Canada
6) Left The Jail :D
7) Got lost in Canada and missed my curfew
8) Got grounded about 4 times
9) Had Diversity Day where we prepared Nasi Lemak, Chicken Rice, Mee Goreng and other Singaporean fare
10) Fell out of love
11) Fell in love
12) Went to Taiwan for the first time
13) Took an exam in Bangkok
14) Participated in a musical
15) Picked up Deutsche
16) Felt utter desolation and despair in Canada
17) Volunteered with 'patient interaction' at a hospital
18) Met some of the girls I'd miss like crazy at The Jail
19) Had a much better 2nd half of the school year
20) Moved to Malaysia and realised that I really don't belong in the Western World
21) Lived alone for the first time
22) Discovered that kids weren't really that horrible after all
23) Discovered that I could be quite nice to people
24) Had many mental turmoils
25) Lost a grandmother
26) Poisoned myself by mixing soya milk with egg
27) Had my first snowball fight
28) Tried Archery for the first time
29) Smoked cigarettes and shisha for the first time
30) Encountered the effects of being drunk only a day later
31) Celebrated my birthday at the beach
32) Tried fried squid ink in Taiwan
33) Je suis tombé amoureux d'un garçon (autre)
34) Picked up minimal Thai
35) Got harassed by a taxi driver

Too many, so I shall stop here.

2007 has been a great year where I experienced a lot and grew up significantly. There were many mistakes along the way, but I don't think I would have not made them if I turned back time. No man is infallible, and that's really how you learn things, by trial and error.

Here's to 2008, which is already looking like it's gonna be a great year :)

015 * DISPUTES

Through every argument, through every difference of opinion I have with others, I find out a bit more about myself. Or rather another part of myself is shaped. & I love it. That was why I love debating issues so much. But as one ages, one has to learn social skills, and not contend strongly like an uncivilised peasant. Yet sometimes, you just can't help yourself.
Perhaps I can argue that I am sometimes too passionate about things ;) I just wish I didn't have to hurt people in the process.

I made a decision today, and it being the first day, it was difficult. But this time I am determined to stick to it. I shouldn't continue being so selfish. Oh yes, I am in Taiwan now. (First day. Just came back from Rao He Night Market. It seems like everyone is in Taiwan this holiday.) Which reminds me that I have so much to blog about - I don't think I even got around to blogging about Chiang Rai, which btw, was fabulous.

KL was fantastic - loved meeting up with my cousins, and even though I had a colossal stomachache on the last day. Got my J.Co donuts, tried my hand at Archery (3 bulleyes - talk about beginner's luck), watched Golden Compass & Alvin and the Chipmunks, went for a medical talk, had Vietnamese, helped my cousin get shoes+clutch bag for her prom... had a great time catching up. Experienced yet another bout of kindness from Malaysians. Oh oh oh, I have a new housemate!! Heheh I love Chien <3 She's awesome and I didn't expect us to actually get along haha. I hope we can have minimal conflicts (crossing fingers)!

Look forward to seeing more of Taiwan's jewels tomorrow. Speaking to the locals made me change accent again, and I am reminded of YB. I miss YB. I hope he's doing well. We didn't really talk much towards the end of the year last year, and I kind of regret that. I miss the people I met in Canada. 2007 has been full of emotions, experiences and memories, but also filled with longing too. I'm grateful for those pangs of longing though, because it means our shared moments actually meant something to me. 2007 has been such a long year, I'm almost glad it's ending. Even though January invariably means exams.

Christmas is coming! The birthday of Christ can never be a bad thing :) Yet this year's Christmas will be bittersweet for me, and I might elaborate on that at a later date. For now, hasta luego.

014 * PEACE

The morning breeze is just awesome. It reminds me of my childhood days when we used to go downstairs to cycle or just frolick on the grass just next to the block of flats where I lived. To me the breeze is associated with a certain innocence and relaxation from that period of time. I feel at peace.

Milly just left about 10 minutes ago, and it was nice having a friend sleep over, although I'm not a good host. Sure, we're close and all, but it's difficult to tell her things sometimes, just because we're so different. Trust. Someone smsed me today and said she was disappointed that I didn't trust (them), and I felt really hurt by that. I really did like her a lot. Maybe I still can't trust. Maybe I still can't love. I did what I had to do yesterday; something I had been putting off just because I could, and the feeling was horrible.

I can't believe how much I can't share anymore. I thought I had become better at opening up. I still suck horribly. Peace? Maybe, maybe not.

Miss my family so much. Especially my father whom I haven't seen in months now. It's been crazy. I need to start writing again. No matter how worthless my thoughts are, no matter how short I write. Just start and keep going.