The morning breeze is just awesome. It reminds me of my childhood days when we used to go downstairs to cycle or just frolick on the grass just next to the block of flats where I lived. To me the breeze is associated with a certain innocence and relaxation from that period of time. I feel at peace.
Milly just left about 10 minutes ago, and it was nice having a friend sleep over, although I'm not a good host. Sure, we're close and all, but it's difficult to tell her things sometimes, just because we're so different. Trust. Someone smsed me today and said she was disappointed that I didn't trust (them), and I felt really hurt by that. I really did like her a lot. Maybe I still can't trust. Maybe I still can't love. I did what I had to do yesterday; something I had been putting off just because I could, and the feeling was horrible.
I can't believe how much I can't share anymore. I thought I had become better at opening up. I still suck horribly. Peace? Maybe, maybe not.
Miss my family so much. Especially my father whom I haven't seen in months now. It's been crazy. I need to start writing again. No matter how worthless my thoughts are, no matter how short I write. Just start and keep going.
Sunday, 25 November 2007
Saturday, 17 November 2007
Friday, 2 November 2007
012 * LOVE, ME
I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel. I just know that I haven't stopped thinking about you. Not every day, not every minute, but every damned second. You used to tell me how you dreamt about me, and I would have nothing to say. Maybe it's because I don't dream or can't remember my dreams, but I know you've always loved me more than I loved you. Last night, I don't know if I dreamt of you, but I know that I kept waking up throughout the night and you were all that I saw in my head. Nothing seems to matter anymore.
"… coming from you, it's so different from other people. It hurts so badly." I will always remember the anguish in your voice, the pain that I felt at that moment, and the knowledge that you must have been hurting so much more than I did. But all I've done is worsen this pain, haven't I? You keep saying no one understands, and you know what, I do. I do, but I have to say I don't, and make you see things from the viewpoint of what you should do. But who am I to tell you what you should do? I can't even say where I should go from here. All my life I've been trying to do what's best for others. But like what you said, who am I to know what's best for you? Don't you know what's best for yourself? The mutual friend also asked: "But then why do you want to make yourself so miserable? I guess you're sad for *******, not for yourself. Since you care for everyone." You said too, why don't I think for myself? Why do I care so much about others and not about myself? That makes me cry because I don't have an answer to that. I don't know why I just cannot love you and not think about anything else. You tell me love is selfish. Please tell me how to be more selfish. Either way, I hurt someone, don't I? How do I minimise the pain? And why do I still care????
I miss you, and I'm sorry I had to let you go. I know I'll be regretting it – I am already. Times like this I just need someone to tell me what to do. I don't know anymore. I don't want to make another move and hurt you again. There are so many things that you don't know about that are holding me back. All you've been is honest with me, and all I've done is hide things from you. If I can't be honest with you, I can't love you, for my heart is restricted; that wouldn't be fair to you. You asked me once why you're so unworthy of my love and affection, and fact is, I'm the one who's unworthy of your love. I truly am.
All along you've been telling me how I affect you, but as I told you, I can't affect you without you affecting me. And you don't know how much you have. Every time I tell you a little, you'd go "that's so sweet", and I'd think: "What are you talking about man… look who's talking. Plus, you don't know the half of it". I'll miss your laughter, the way you say 'what the hell', the way I make you go 'no no no' and regret what you said, your smses, and so much more. I'm sorry. I shouldn't force you to do what you know is impossible, for it wouldn't be fair, to me, to you, to her. I know it hurts you, and I will never know how much. It's not right of me to remedy my mistake by making you feel more pain.
I need to learn how to trust, how to have faith in another human being, how to love without thinking too much. Until then, I can only apologise.
"… coming from you, it's so different from other people. It hurts so badly." I will always remember the anguish in your voice, the pain that I felt at that moment, and the knowledge that you must have been hurting so much more than I did. But all I've done is worsen this pain, haven't I? You keep saying no one understands, and you know what, I do. I do, but I have to say I don't, and make you see things from the viewpoint of what you should do. But who am I to tell you what you should do? I can't even say where I should go from here. All my life I've been trying to do what's best for others. But like what you said, who am I to know what's best for you? Don't you know what's best for yourself? The mutual friend also asked: "But then why do you want to make yourself so miserable? I guess you're sad for *******, not for yourself. Since you care for everyone." You said too, why don't I think for myself? Why do I care so much about others and not about myself? That makes me cry because I don't have an answer to that. I don't know why I just cannot love you and not think about anything else. You tell me love is selfish. Please tell me how to be more selfish. Either way, I hurt someone, don't I? How do I minimise the pain? And why do I still care????
I miss you, and I'm sorry I had to let you go. I know I'll be regretting it – I am already. Times like this I just need someone to tell me what to do. I don't know anymore. I don't want to make another move and hurt you again. There are so many things that you don't know about that are holding me back. All you've been is honest with me, and all I've done is hide things from you. If I can't be honest with you, I can't love you, for my heart is restricted; that wouldn't be fair to you. You asked me once why you're so unworthy of my love and affection, and fact is, I'm the one who's unworthy of your love. I truly am.
All along you've been telling me how I affect you, but as I told you, I can't affect you without you affecting me. And you don't know how much you have. Every time I tell you a little, you'd go "that's so sweet", and I'd think: "What are you talking about man… look who's talking. Plus, you don't know the half of it". I'll miss your laughter, the way you say 'what the hell', the way I make you go 'no no no' and regret what you said, your smses, and so much more. I'm sorry. I shouldn't force you to do what you know is impossible, for it wouldn't be fair, to me, to you, to her. I know it hurts you, and I will never know how much. It's not right of me to remedy my mistake by making you feel more pain.
I need to learn how to trust, how to have faith in another human being, how to love without thinking too much. Until then, I can only apologise.
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