I have lots I need to blog about, but I need to talk about myself first. I embarked on a new spiritual journey, about a day before I returned to Thailand (yes I went back haha). For the uninitiated, a fast is a period of time where you give up something you like (like a certain food, sex, booze, whatever), and whenever you get a craving you pray for the temptation to go away. I figured it would do wonders for my discipline too. So the idea, for me, is to give up meat, something that I had been wanting to do for a while, for 40 days.
Anyone who knows me will know that I can't really live without meat. Chicken is my favourite meat, and I absolutely adore seafood like fish and prawns. So it's been quite a challenge to see the person across the table scoff down fried chicken and cashew nut rice and slurp tom yam kung while I look at my greasy veggie omelette. It's even more of a challenge in Bangkok, where there are mixed rice stalls where you choose your own dishes. The stall that I went to with P'Som had vegetable dishes, yes, but they were all mixed with meat. Poor P'Som had to eat two dishes all by herself. I think it's quite pointless if you just pick out vegetables in food mixed with meat because the flavour would have seeped in already. I was thinking about fish and how good they are, but I thought it would be proper to go the whole way. Since I'm not really concerned about not killing life and eggs are not meat, I do still eat eggs.
In fact, I've eaten too much egg in the past two weeks in Thailand as they're about the only things that definitely do not contain any trace of meat. At JJ Mall, they had shabu shabu and I had mushrooms and tamago that tasted like they'd gone bad, and them evil people tried to tempt me >:(
Don't get me wrong, I love how it feels because I'm definitely eating more vegetables than I normally would, and I feel so much better than before (read: not as sluggish). I still get cravings for meat, but I don't feel that they are necessary for my body. I've been eating more bad foods though, with lots of ice-cream, chocolate and potato chips! I need to cut down on that.
I am not vegetarian; I just don't eat meat for the time-being. It's been incredible - I've been praying more constantly, for myself as well as for other people, and I love being in touch with God regularly. I've been growing a lot in Him, and it is rewarding spiritually. I found out that I adore vegetables and egg now, and that I definitely don't need meat. I'm considering giving up meat permanently, seriously.
One week ago, I decided to go one step further and take off carbonated drinks from my menu. So far I've only had cravings once, and I think this will be easier than eliminating meat. As this week comes to an end, I'm still deciding what I should take off next. I'm too attached to chocolates to take that off (it failed last week but that was because of hormones, if you get my drift) I think.
It's time I started taking good care of my body, especially after what I've been doing to it since two years ago. I need to start valuing myself.
Saturday, 25 August 2007
Saturday, 11 August 2007
007 * WANT
Have you ever wanted something so badly it stung? To crave for something so strongly that your insides hurt and your heart feels bruised? Wanting is a powerful emotion. If you look at the seven deadly sins - lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride - you'll find that wanting is behind all of them. Lust is the excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature. Gluttony, the insatiable wanting to overindulge in anything (more commonly food). Greed, of course, is a sin of excess as well, fueled by the want of more, more and more personal gain. Sloth, the sin of laziness, is the want to rest/slack or the want to just lie there and do nothing, in layman's terms. Wrath is the want to be able to leash uncontrolled feelings, of anger, hatred and violence. Envy is the want to be like somebody, or the desire to have something that belongs to someone which they perceive themselves as lacking. Pride, in Chinese terms, the wanting of 'face', of being able to hold your head high, of being the best (egotism) - a want to be more important or more attractive than others. As Economics teaches us, human wants are insatiable and limitless. The more people get, the more people want. This is progress for us. We make two dolls and are not satisfied. We make machines to make more dolls. We make machine-producing machines. We use 'lower-caste' people to operate these machines.
How can people think of progress as a good thing? Does it all matter, at the end of the day, when the sun dies and humans kill themselves and their world as a result? Just to satisfy a desire that continues to grow and never be satiated? Does it matter that we use take advantage of certain people as a means to our end (pun & irony intended)? On the other hand, if we are going to kill ourselves by torturing the earth, then why do we need to care about progress and all those high-sounding ideals? What is the use?
[to be continued]
How can people think of progress as a good thing? Does it all matter, at the end of the day, when the sun dies and humans kill themselves and their world as a result? Just to satisfy a desire that continues to grow and never be satiated? Does it matter that we use take advantage of certain people as a means to our end (pun & irony intended)? On the other hand, if we are going to kill ourselves by torturing the earth, then why do we need to care about progress and all those high-sounding ideals? What is the use?
[to be continued]
Wednesday, 8 August 2007
006 * FEELINGS
So, it's the end of my two weeks in Thailand. Not that I've actually done any real sightseeing, other than on Koh Phi Phi. Canada was chock-full of painful memories for me, and Thailand, on the other hand, comprised of genuinely happy experiences. Yet both have made me ponder and wonder, and have both messed with my internal wirings. Again, I shouldn't let everything affect me so deeply. It must be hazardous to my health. Honestly, it was an impulse move to visit Thailand and to volunteer there, but hey, spontanity has its rewards, and this is certainly a fine example.
I have so much to write, but once again, it's insecurity preventing me from displaying my heart on my sleeve. Maybe it's part of me that selfishly wants to make my trip in Thailand solely mine. I don't know where to start. Thailand is surreal. I went there with the assumption that people are shy and conservative, and in a few cases, been proven completely wrong. Thailand is a land bursting with colour, culture and tradition. Besides beautiful beaches and graceful women decked in gold, Thailand has so much more to offer. I confess, my fascination with Thailand started because: they were the only country in SEAsia that wasn't conquered by the Japanese, Chang and Eng, the fact that everyone still had so much love and respect for their King and bashfully, also the movie Anna and the King, which I loved when I was young, with its gold finery and grand splendour. I also thought that because of well, the transvestites, it's also a place where one can freely choose for themselves what they want to be. Sexuality and racial preferrences can be adopted according to choice. It's such a contrast between the liberty there and the rigidity to conformation here. I can't believe it's taken me so long to finally step out of my shell and visit our neighbours. All that culture, all that grand history all around me, and there I was, a frog in the well acting like an arrogant arse. I've only seen that one part of Thailand, and it has amazed me so already. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more of Thailand. I still didn't get to get any information about that singer with the sexy voice though, although now I know her name ;) What I didn't know about Thailand is definitely the darker side of it. Women are sold all over the place for prostitution, gender rights are still very unequal, the politics etc. Yet that just adds to the intrigue that is Thailand. You can't really define a country, and all you can do is perhaps just try to gain a fuller picture of its social, political and economical background. Thais are probably the best representative - the children are the loveliest in the entire world if I might say so, and the adults are kind, nice and very friendly. To the extent that sometimes I'm a little scared of them (but that is reserved for another post another day).
Two weeks. Five schools, two orphanages, one adult conversational class, numerous ultra-nice people, twice that number of mosquitoes, lots of alcohol, sunny smiles, bare feet, shimmering sea, warm sand... seems like a good vacation. And it was (okay maybe except the mozzie part). Only it wasn't meant to be one. "What happened to summer vacation?" exclaimed one shocked volunteer after she found out that I was doing intensive German before volunteering in Thailand. Yet what I don't understand, is how she can find doing such things a chore.
My thoughts are all over the place. I'm in desperate need of a filing system. The window is drenched with sunlight, the speakers blare a sad song, and my heart is trying to forget my yearning to return. As Damien Rice sings, I can't take my mind of you. I think of those cherubic faces and cheeky smiles, and my heart melts. I know I would die if I were to become a teacher, but for now, I would give anything to be with them at this very moment. The children is not the only part - there are also the awesome TVC people, the Jerung staff (my Thai family!), my fellow volunteers, the Lazy House guys, the Thai volunteers et al. I miss all the quirks and precious moments. There may be some things you can't remember, but everything is an integral part of my collection and will remain in my heart for years to come. I am extremely priviledged to be able to meet some intensely passionate people, people with a desire to better their country, people with a strong calling to help their world, people who possess a gigantic heart and expect nothing in return. I am humbled, dwarfed and have shrunk to probably about one foot tall.
It's one thing to teach a song to a student; it's another for the student to sing it back to you the following week. It's one thing to make a fool out of yourself in front of a class and get the students laughing; it's another to get the entire class to do that exact action and laugh together. It's one thing to hand out candy to students; it's another when a student shares her lollipops with you. It's one thing to spend time with someone teaching him how to pronounce a word properly, and another when he tells you it's become his favourite word the next lesson. (And I can really go on and on, but.) In the end, it's the little things that really count, and I guess all I'm saying is, there were so many unexpected surprises along the way that more than made up for any inadequacies during the process.
I miss everyone so badly, I don't know what I'll do if I never get to go back. I was just watching the video of Maad (how to spell?), Bow, Nam and Mai dancing, and a strong bittersweet feeling fills my lungs and suffocates me. I should never allow myself to get so attached. But how can you help it? How can you control your feelings? I've never been good at restraining myself emotionally. Canada has made me a human again, grinding me back to basics and forcing me out of my comfort zone. If I get so attached to some kids I've only known for such a short time, it must be much worse for the kids themselves.
Strange men literally helping me cross the road, by carrying my bags and holding my hand (uh do I look like 8 to you?). People coming up to me and speaking incessantly in Thai. Weird men trying to huddle close and wanting to 'go with me'. Cars stopping and asking if I would like a ride (this is very common and safe in Thailand but accepting it is an invitation for rape, plunder and/or murder in certain parts of Malaysia). Funny people asking me my opinions on love and relationships (how do I resemble Dr. Love?). You find weirdos everywhere, and that list isn't even exhaustive. Sorry, but I'm used to a country where people generally mind their own business, and I expect people here to stare in shock and then rush to jot down the car plate number for 4D if they witness an accident.
The smiles, the laughter, the sweat, the mosquito bites. The worries, the sadness, the insults. The jokes, the puns, the passionate speeches. The anxiety, the laidback style, the feeling at home. So many different emotions and feelings have run (and are still running) their course through these two weeks; it's truly my good fortune.
Thailand is a blessed land indeed. The tsunami may have caused destruction and wrecked havoc physically, but the spirit of the people still live on. Hope, spirit and love. That's all you need.
I have so much to write, but once again, it's insecurity preventing me from displaying my heart on my sleeve. Maybe it's part of me that selfishly wants to make my trip in Thailand solely mine. I don't know where to start. Thailand is surreal. I went there with the assumption that people are shy and conservative, and in a few cases, been proven completely wrong. Thailand is a land bursting with colour, culture and tradition. Besides beautiful beaches and graceful women decked in gold, Thailand has so much more to offer. I confess, my fascination with Thailand started because: they were the only country in SEAsia that wasn't conquered by the Japanese, Chang and Eng, the fact that everyone still had so much love and respect for their King and bashfully, also the movie Anna and the King, which I loved when I was young, with its gold finery and grand splendour. I also thought that because of well, the transvestites, it's also a place where one can freely choose for themselves what they want to be. Sexuality and racial preferrences can be adopted according to choice. It's such a contrast between the liberty there and the rigidity to conformation here. I can't believe it's taken me so long to finally step out of my shell and visit our neighbours. All that culture, all that grand history all around me, and there I was, a frog in the well acting like an arrogant arse. I've only seen that one part of Thailand, and it has amazed me so already. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more of Thailand. I still didn't get to get any information about that singer with the sexy voice though, although now I know her name ;) What I didn't know about Thailand is definitely the darker side of it. Women are sold all over the place for prostitution, gender rights are still very unequal, the politics etc. Yet that just adds to the intrigue that is Thailand. You can't really define a country, and all you can do is perhaps just try to gain a fuller picture of its social, political and economical background. Thais are probably the best representative - the children are the loveliest in the entire world if I might say so, and the adults are kind, nice and very friendly. To the extent that sometimes I'm a little scared of them (but that is reserved for another post another day).
Two weeks. Five schools, two orphanages, one adult conversational class, numerous ultra-nice people, twice that number of mosquitoes, lots of alcohol, sunny smiles, bare feet, shimmering sea, warm sand... seems like a good vacation. And it was (okay maybe except the mozzie part). Only it wasn't meant to be one. "What happened to summer vacation?" exclaimed one shocked volunteer after she found out that I was doing intensive German before volunteering in Thailand. Yet what I don't understand, is how she can find doing such things a chore.
My thoughts are all over the place. I'm in desperate need of a filing system. The window is drenched with sunlight, the speakers blare a sad song, and my heart is trying to forget my yearning to return. As Damien Rice sings, I can't take my mind of you. I think of those cherubic faces and cheeky smiles, and my heart melts. I know I would die if I were to become a teacher, but for now, I would give anything to be with them at this very moment. The children is not the only part - there are also the awesome TVC people, the Jerung staff (my Thai family!), my fellow volunteers, the Lazy House guys, the Thai volunteers et al. I miss all the quirks and precious moments. There may be some things you can't remember, but everything is an integral part of my collection and will remain in my heart for years to come. I am extremely priviledged to be able to meet some intensely passionate people, people with a desire to better their country, people with a strong calling to help their world, people who possess a gigantic heart and expect nothing in return. I am humbled, dwarfed and have shrunk to probably about one foot tall.
It's one thing to teach a song to a student; it's another for the student to sing it back to you the following week. It's one thing to make a fool out of yourself in front of a class and get the students laughing; it's another to get the entire class to do that exact action and laugh together. It's one thing to hand out candy to students; it's another when a student shares her lollipops with you. It's one thing to spend time with someone teaching him how to pronounce a word properly, and another when he tells you it's become his favourite word the next lesson. (And I can really go on and on, but.) In the end, it's the little things that really count, and I guess all I'm saying is, there were so many unexpected surprises along the way that more than made up for any inadequacies during the process.
I miss everyone so badly, I don't know what I'll do if I never get to go back. I was just watching the video of Maad (how to spell?), Bow, Nam and Mai dancing, and a strong bittersweet feeling fills my lungs and suffocates me. I should never allow myself to get so attached. But how can you help it? How can you control your feelings? I've never been good at restraining myself emotionally. Canada has made me a human again, grinding me back to basics and forcing me out of my comfort zone. If I get so attached to some kids I've only known for such a short time, it must be much worse for the kids themselves.
Strange men literally helping me cross the road, by carrying my bags and holding my hand (uh do I look like 8 to you?). People coming up to me and speaking incessantly in Thai. Weird men trying to huddle close and wanting to 'go with me'. Cars stopping and asking if I would like a ride (this is very common and safe in Thailand but accepting it is an invitation for rape, plunder and/or murder in certain parts of Malaysia). Funny people asking me my opinions on love and relationships (how do I resemble Dr. Love?). You find weirdos everywhere, and that list isn't even exhaustive. Sorry, but I'm used to a country where people generally mind their own business, and I expect people here to stare in shock and then rush to jot down the car plate number for 4D if they witness an accident.
The smiles, the laughter, the sweat, the mosquito bites. The worries, the sadness, the insults. The jokes, the puns, the passionate speeches. The anxiety, the laidback style, the feeling at home. So many different emotions and feelings have run (and are still running) their course through these two weeks; it's truly my good fortune.
Thailand is a blessed land indeed. The tsunami may have caused destruction and wrecked havoc physically, but the spirit of the people still live on. Hope, spirit and love. That's all you need.
005 * ABOUT ME
christmas is an 18-year-old who tries to verbalise her thoughts in pursuit of tangibility and almost always fails in her perfectionistic eyes. she likes capturing little details and insignificant moments with her mind, her pen+notebook and her canon s5 is for keepsakes. christmas recognises that life is a paradox and embraces it for paradoxes make up her life. she likes to fight for things she wants and also give up on things that aren't worth her time. call it a matter of priority. christmas is slightly schizophrenic and very sensitive physically and emotionally. crying means a lot to her as people hurt for a reason, and to her it is part of growing up. her taste is expensive and thinks the best things in life are far from free. she is trying to give up the lure of words and meanings that complicate her life too much, and make her way to a humanitarian career that actually does give meaning to the lives of others. she loves god with all her heart yet has her doubts about organised faith. it is probably the only part of her life where she can believe wholeheartedly without evidence or facts. christmas loves exploring new places and is independent and free-spirited. she is also trying to redefine herself every moment of the day and stop disliking herself too much. she likes thinking, gaining new experiences and watching time fly. christmas needs to read more material and read less into people. she also needs to reattach to the real world and stop thinking the worst of her fellow homosapiens.
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