015 * DISPUTES

Through every argument, through every difference of opinion I have with others, I find out a bit more about myself. Or rather another part of myself is shaped. & I love it. That was why I love debating issues so much. But as one ages, one has to learn social skills, and not contend strongly like an uncivilised peasant. Yet sometimes, you just can't help yourself.
Perhaps I can argue that I am sometimes too passionate about things ;) I just wish I didn't have to hurt people in the process.

I made a decision today, and it being the first day, it was difficult. But this time I am determined to stick to it. I shouldn't continue being so selfish. Oh yes, I am in Taiwan now. (First day. Just came back from Rao He Night Market. It seems like everyone is in Taiwan this holiday.) Which reminds me that I have so much to blog about - I don't think I even got around to blogging about Chiang Rai, which btw, was fabulous.

KL was fantastic - loved meeting up with my cousins, and even though I had a colossal stomachache on the last day. Got my J.Co donuts, tried my hand at Archery (3 bulleyes - talk about beginner's luck), watched Golden Compass & Alvin and the Chipmunks, went for a medical talk, had Vietnamese, helped my cousin get shoes+clutch bag for her prom... had a great time catching up. Experienced yet another bout of kindness from Malaysians. Oh oh oh, I have a new housemate!! Heheh I love Chien <3 She's awesome and I didn't expect us to actually get along haha. I hope we can have minimal conflicts (crossing fingers)!

Look forward to seeing more of Taiwan's jewels tomorrow. Speaking to the locals made me change accent again, and I am reminded of YB. I miss YB. I hope he's doing well. We didn't really talk much towards the end of the year last year, and I kind of regret that. I miss the people I met in Canada. 2007 has been full of emotions, experiences and memories, but also filled with longing too. I'm grateful for those pangs of longing though, because it means our shared moments actually meant something to me. 2007 has been such a long year, I'm almost glad it's ending. Even though January invariably means exams.

Christmas is coming! The birthday of Christ can never be a bad thing :) Yet this year's Christmas will be bittersweet for me, and I might elaborate on that at a later date. For now, hasta luego.

014 * PEACE

The morning breeze is just awesome. It reminds me of my childhood days when we used to go downstairs to cycle or just frolick on the grass just next to the block of flats where I lived. To me the breeze is associated with a certain innocence and relaxation from that period of time. I feel at peace.

Milly just left about 10 minutes ago, and it was nice having a friend sleep over, although I'm not a good host. Sure, we're close and all, but it's difficult to tell her things sometimes, just because we're so different. Trust. Someone smsed me today and said she was disappointed that I didn't trust (them), and I felt really hurt by that. I really did like her a lot. Maybe I still can't trust. Maybe I still can't love. I did what I had to do yesterday; something I had been putting off just because I could, and the feeling was horrible.

I can't believe how much I can't share anymore. I thought I had become better at opening up. I still suck horribly. Peace? Maybe, maybe not.

Miss my family so much. Especially my father whom I haven't seen in months now. It's been crazy. I need to start writing again. No matter how worthless my thoughts are, no matter how short I write. Just start and keep going.

i'm just not good enough, am i?

i've a feeling sorry isn't going to be enough.

this is emo post #5 since the last post. it's been such an emotional roller coaster ride lately.

012 * LOVE, ME

I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel. I just know that I haven't stopped thinking about you. Not every day, not every minute, but every damned second. You used to tell me how you dreamt about me, and I would have nothing to say. Maybe it's because I don't dream or can't remember my dreams, but I know you've always loved me more than I loved you. Last night, I don't know if I dreamt of you, but I know that I kept waking up throughout the night and you were all that I saw in my head. Nothing seems to matter anymore.

"… coming from you, it's so different from other people. It hurts so badly." I will always remember the anguish in your voice, the pain that I felt at that moment, and the knowledge that you must have been hurting so much more than I did. But all I've done is worsen this pain, haven't I? You keep saying no one understands, and you know what, I do. I do, but I have to say I don't, and make you see things from the viewpoint of what you should do. But who am I to tell you what you should do? I can't even say where I should go from here. All my life I've been trying to do what's best for others. But like what you said, who am I to know what's best for you? Don't you know what's best for yourself? The mutual friend also asked: "But then why do you want to make yourself so miserable? I guess you're sad for *******, not for yourself. Since you care for everyone." You said too, why don't I think for myself? Why do I care so much about others and not about myself? That makes me cry because I don't have an answer to that. I don't know why I just cannot love you and not think about anything else. You tell me love is selfish. Please tell me how to be more selfish. Either way, I hurt someone, don't I? How do I minimise the pain? And why do I still care????

I miss you, and I'm sorry I had to let you go. I know I'll be regretting it – I am already. Times like this I just need someone to tell me what to do. I don't know anymore. I don't want to make another move and hurt you again. There are so many things that you don't know about that are holding me back. All you've been is honest with me, and all I've done is hide things from you. If I can't be honest with you, I can't love you, for my heart is restricted; that wouldn't be fair to you. You asked me once why you're so unworthy of my love and affection, and fact is, I'm the one who's unworthy of your love. I truly am.

All along you've been telling me how I affect you, but as I told you, I can't affect you without you affecting me. And you don't know how much you have. Every time I tell you a little, you'd go "that's so sweet", and I'd think: "What are you talking about man… look who's talking. Plus, you don't know the half of it". I'll miss your laughter, the way you say 'what the hell', the way I make you go 'no no no' and regret what you said, your smses, and so much more. I'm sorry. I shouldn't force you to do what you know is impossible, for it wouldn't be fair, to me, to you, to her. I know it hurts you, and I will never know how much. It's not right of me to remedy my mistake by making you feel more pain.

I need to learn how to trust, how to have faith in another human being, how to love without thinking too much. Until then, I can only apologise.

011 * TIRED

It's Saturday evening and I'm sitting at home, alone of course, facing the whitewashed walls and forcing myself to actually read some Biology which I don't even remember studying. I must have, or I wouldn't have passed my exams, but hell, I have no recollection at all. Even if I did, that was a long time ago. So anyway, I'm wiping my tears and trying to make some sense of everything. The last time I spoke to someone was like 3 minutes ago, on the phone, and the last time I saw someone was about 4 hours ago. Still I feel incredibly lonely. I want someone to talk to, and although Tilly said yesterday she'd always be there for me and a few other people around have said the same, it's difficult to find someone who can truly understand. I need a good confidante but my friends are so far away from me. Lucky still shouts 'Where the hell are you' as a greeting every time we're on MSN, and 843262 other people keep asking me 'So, where are you today?'

The counsellor, I think, is fed up with me too, because I'm so obstinate. I did take her advice and go to the beach to chill, though, and that was fine and dandy. But still, I think the problem lies with being alone. I'm getting cranky, yelling at my loved ones over the phone, getting upset at the landlord's refusal to pay for the broken stuff in the apartment, getting frustrated at: black spots in my white T-shirts from the wash, dead bugs that fly in and the incessant praying that happens like 5, 6 times a day. Of course, there're tonnes of work to be done and I really don't feel like doing any of it. I shouldn't have unplugged the TV, but then Malaysian TV isn't that exciting, is it? Perhaps I should go live with Akiko Sensei or something if I didn't think it'll be that awkward. I do love her and Japanese lessons though. L

My dear Chang Noi See Som has been really nice though! Love you; thank you for keeping me sane. Of course, thanks also to a certain person who tried to prank call me but sucked so badly. I can't believe my alcohol tolerance has suffered so much – but hahaha at least I'm not like CNSS who is allergic to alcohol and refused to drink any despite temptation last night.

Thailand will be good for me and my sanity, although I'm not too thrilled about going to Bangkok so early. Really look forward to see P' Jang and go to Ayutthaya with her! My plans for sightseeing have been dashed, and I just found out I'm not able to go for the Conference thing in December, so I guess I really have no fate with Bangkok. I don't know what Chiang Rai will be like. I think the people there will be vastly different, although P' Nui says there are lots of Chinese there. I'm scared, this time, I am. I don't know why, but there's this inexplicable trepidation and unfounded ominent foreboding. It's probably just nerves, but I have no idea what I'm nervous for.

Maybe I should just stop trying because I'm clearly not cut out for this. So much for changing direction. I still end up at square zero, Lord. I wish I could just die a slob because now I'm a slob dying to not be one and really dying in the process. How can I be a slob and still answer to my conscience? I hate how people say that I'm under immense pressure because it really is not easy to make the transition, how it's not easy to live alone, how it's not easy to work and study at the same time, even though it's true. I refuse to admit to my shortcomings and perhaps that will really be the death of me. My toilet light is flickering unevenly and it's giving me the creeps. Okay now that was random.

I miss everyone. I need to talk to someone before I go mad, literally. This is the epitome of a sad, distressed life. Dwindling away, alone in a foreign land, without a penny to my name and still bills to pay, laundry to iron, and living each day without a general purpose.

Screw it, I'm gonna get dinner and a few DVDs from the night market downstairs. Bah to Biology.

010 * UPDATE

It's been a few weeks now since I moved here. It's utterly boring and lonely living alone. Travelling alone is one thing, being on your own is a different issue. Not that I want to constantly go out and have fun, but sometimes it's really tough not having someone to talk to, which of course, explains why the value of my prepaid card is depleting at such a rate. Sanity is at stake, here! Another concern is food. I can't cook to save my life, in fact, sometimes it's the complete opposite. Once again, people have been persuading me to 'eat fish or chicken" and sorry, my answer is still no. I have to admit, it was more tempting back in Singapore than it is here. I love my cousins for being so supportive :)

I need to start setting boundaries for myself. Can't let myself get out of line again. Please, this time, don't let your heart rule over your head. But I think I've let practicality take control of me already :(

Short post today... I'm just so happy to be able to say 'at least I tried'. Lord, the rest is in Your hands. Bloody lot of work to do - practise my song (hell lot of vocalising), get books, applications for everything, essays to be written etc. Can't wait for Thailand in about 2 weeks!

Please answer my email!

009 * AFRAID

I don't know how I went off tangent and completely missed out my point I was supposed to make with the last post. It's about being afraid. I've always wanted to become vegetarian; not that I have some big heart for animals - in contrast, I believe survival of the fittest is a way of life. I believe that humans are omnivorous for a reason, and as civilised beings, we have a choice to make as to what we put in our mouths, and also what we should and shouldn't do (do not judge me on my beliefs - everyone's are different). Why have I, then, waited so long to give up meat? One word - fear. I'm 18 years old, still dependent on my parents and as my mum says of her childhood, "when I was young, nobody taught of turning vegetarian. If there was even food, we'd be satisfied." I was a difficult enough child. Even now, my mum doesn't like me not eating meat, much less in the past when she used to go after me with a cane (which I think stifled my individualism and free-thinking a little, but that is too much of a digression). Back to fear. I have been afraid of bringing trouble to others. As I mentioned in the last post, P'Som had to eat two plates of food, and before that, we had to find some place that actually sold vegetable dishes. I've found that I've brought quite a lot of trouble to people. L is not very happy with my giving up meat, I had to turn down my Thai mum's invitation to dinner, Penang-ites have brought me all over the place only to find out that I can't eat anything (not Nasi Kandar, not lok lok, not Penang laksa, the list goes on), my dad has brought me to different places in search of meatless foods. It's scary how reliant we are on meats, be it chicken, fish, pork, beef, mutton. or duck.

I've been told off for being afraid to trouble people, most prominently in 2002, where this guy shouted in my face and later threatened me with a penknife. Doesn't seem to help. In Thailand, I've refused offers to ride pillion on motorbikes not because I'm scared about it being dangerous (I actually want to learn how to ride a motorbike), but because I'm concious of my weight. Even after Elaine told me that people there were used to 2 or 3 people riding pillion, I still don't want to. After a performance in Kuantan once, I was wandering the streets alone at about 1am, and had only minimal Bahasa. My arms were full of posters, flowers and gifts, and my bag full of CDs and costumes. I was enquiring about a taxi to rush to the bus station, and this Malay woman whom I could hardly communicate with took me on her bike, and although I was 'normal' then, I still felt that I had inconvenienced her tremendously. I hate being unable to help, but I hate inconveniencing people even more. I remember P'Goi telling me about confidence, and that's scary because I haven't had someone talk to me about confidence since 2002. I think for me, it's more of self-value that I lack. I keep thinking that I'm not worth it, and Sarah's done way too much work with me on that, but still, I'm hopeless. Only I can make myself feel that I'm actually of some worth, and I'm not there yet. Other people don't influence me a lot, but that is both an advantage(having my own mind, not being swayed/brainwashed easily etc) and a disadvantage(stubborn, not easily motivated etc).

One mistake I made was to tell Elaine my age in the first email. I didn't expect it to be that big of a deal, and only included it because some organisations don't accept people below a certain age. I felt so protected by all the 'big sisters and brothers' who really weren't very much older. Granted, I know where Elaine was coming from, especially since *hello* I'm Singaporean, and I appreciate that, but I really just wanted to be one of them, not a little kid who needs to be taken care of. People like Off and Benz, and P'Wood, of course, were all my age, but they were all streetsmart, unlike Singaporeans my age (much less Canadians, sorry!) or really, my social class. Volunteering often gives one a sense of being of a higher class than those you reach out to, and that's something I've been trying to tackle for a long time now. It's difficult not being elitist, especially if you look at the groups I've been thrown into so far. (It doesn't help that philosophers are bloody arrogant saviour-of-the-world shit.) I think I do see them as equals, pretty much, but when I interact with the farangs(not just in Thailand), it's quite obvious that they think we're beneath them. Pride and prejudice much? Or should I say White Man's Burden? Age is just a number, really.

My last week in Thailand was quite horrible, really. I didn't do much the entire week as I had gotten sick. My head was heavy and dizzy, my respiratory tract was all clogged up, and my throat felt like it was constantly under attack. I sounded like a man and my vision consisted of people swirling about. The day before I left, I went to Home & Life to say my goodbyes to the kids, and also give them the gifts that I brought from Singapore (which is justification for my numerous bags okay!) and also those I bought in Khao Lak. I asked Rhi if she wanted to go too, for she didn't really say goodbye as well. She mentioned that she did not want to get upset, or get the kids upset, and that is a very valid reason, of course, but to me, I'd rather be upset than have regrets. Life is too short not to experience the full range of human emotions, and it is even shorter to have any regrets. In the past, I was quite stony - no tears, making others cry - being an emotionless meanass in short. In recent years, I've discovered my own tear ducts, and somehow the waterworks have been quite steadfast. I don't think crying's childish - I'd rather have emotions that bottle them inside unhealthily - in fact, I think crying's brought a whole new dimension to me. It made me realise my vulnerability, how my priorities have changed, and it made me realise what is important to me. And I am afraid of losing them. I think I've become more human, although I still retain some of my detached-ness.

Regrets. Some people don't dare to do certain things because they're afraid. Some people don't dare to live, for they're afraid of shame, or of losing their pride. Some people don't dare to give, for they're afraid they will get nothing in return. Some people don't dare to love, for they're afraid of their past, or of their future.They're unable to be like teenagers, carelessly unthinking of the future, unable to invest their love without fear of being ruthlessly thrown to the ground again, without fear of not having a future. "Why love when love hurts, why love when love ends? ... It ends with the pain, and the making amends; why love when there's peace, in the making of friends?" Do you know what I think about that? I say, screw it. If you're just going to think of the end product, you're missing out. Sometimes you just have to be selfish and follow your heart. A relationship is mutually parasitic, but the happy times do outweigh the bitterness. But sometimes, it's easier to dish out advice than to take it in.

Perhaps fasting is not my only reason to give up meat, but, frankly, to me, religion is also improving myself spiritually and as a whole. Last year I gave up MSN messenger. The year before, lunch (with the donation of lunch money to charity). This year, it's meat. Similarly, I also want to volunteer somewhere every year. Thailand this year, hopefully somewhere else in Asia again next year (if my plans go well), before I move on to some other part of the world after that. I think I've fallen in love with volunteering - it's difficult not to. I might just do a TEFL course next year, if I'm not too tied up. One of the reasons that compelled me to return to Khao Lak was the overwhelming feeling that there was so much to do and I had done so little. To borrow a quote from Nimesh, it does feel like my work is not completed just yet. But to me, my work will never be done. There is so much to do all over the world, in every city, in every street. There is only so much we can do, but if we don't help our fellow man, no one will help us. I'm lucky to have such a good education and giving back to society is the least I can do.

On my first day of school, a Taiwanese guy asked me why I chose Penang instead of Kuala Lumpur, and I was stumped momentarily. I started to agree with him - KL is the big city, and it's so convenient there. Haven't I been citing inconvenience as a reason for disliking Canada? I've always told myself that L, did not, in any way, influence my decision to move back, but although I did, I did not pick what seemed like that natural choice, Kuala Lumpur. Perhaps I really want to put an end once and for all. (Then why did you choose Malaysia, my dear girl?) I hate my inner voice. Anyway, he was a big part of my life for three years, but that's done now. I've moved on, and I hope he will too.

Inconvenience. Referring to the inability to move around (transport-wise), inconvenience has a lot of significance to me, almost paralleling to freedom. In Canada, I was a caged bird, and things only improved when I got a bicycle. In Thailand, I didn't like to hitch-hike, and it felt horrible getting someone to drive me to TVC and back. I felt so bad when P'Kaew 'scolded' P'Woody for picking me up from Jerung, as well as when Loong Ken had to drive us to Koh Nok School and then rush off to Ban Sak School. Plus of course, countless times getting a lift from TVC to town, or from Lazy House to TVC. Doesn't help when the Thai team reminds you that the volunteers used to drive themselves to the schools and back. It feels terrible having to depend on others. Here in Penang, I hate the fact that I live a distance away from town, so it's difficult having to get groceries or getting to Deutsch class. It doesn't help that taxi fares are exorbitent here. (Plus that taxi driver today was getting a little too friendly for my comfort (more details in my livejournal) , so that further reinforces my desire to learn to drive and also to ride a motorbike.) I know I shouldn't go against people I love, but sorry mum, I need to find my own independence and as well as I understand your rationale and where you're coming from, please do try to understand mine as well. I do appreciate your protectivity, but I need to try to break away from that shelter of being a spoilt brat that has no survival skills whatsoever. Please don't even get me started on not knowing how to cook. I don't want to be a pampered kid that can't take hardship. I'm living on my own, I crave independence, please just let me. It's funny how we laugh at cliches about what growing up encompasses, and how we think that that would never happen to us, and yet it does. Generation gap, anyone?

008 * MY FAST

I have lots I need to blog about, but I need to talk about myself first. I embarked on a new spiritual journey, about a day before I returned to Thailand (yes I went back haha). For the uninitiated, a fast is a period of time where you give up something you like (like a certain food, sex, booze, whatever), and whenever you get a craving you pray for the temptation to go away. I figured it would do wonders for my discipline too. So the idea, for me, is to give up meat, something that I had been wanting to do for a while, for 40 days.

Anyone who knows me will know that I can't really live without meat. Chicken is my favourite meat, and I absolutely adore seafood like fish and prawns. So it's been quite a challenge to see the person across the table scoff down fried chicken and cashew nut rice and slurp tom yam kung while I look at my greasy veggie omelette. It's even more of a challenge in Bangkok, where there are mixed rice stalls where you choose your own dishes. The stall that I went to with P'Som had vegetable dishes, yes, but they were all mixed with meat. Poor P'Som had to eat two dishes all by herself. I think it's quite pointless if you just pick out vegetables in food mixed with meat because the flavour would have seeped in already. I was thinking about fish and how good they are, but I thought it would be proper to go the whole way. Since I'm not really concerned about not killing life and eggs are not meat, I do still eat eggs.

In fact, I've eaten too much egg in the past two weeks in Thailand as they're about the only things that definitely do not contain any trace of meat. At JJ Mall, they had shabu shabu and I had mushrooms and tamago that tasted like they'd gone bad, and them evil people tried to tempt me >:(

Don't get me wrong, I love how it feels because I'm definitely eating more vegetables than I normally would, and I feel so much better than before (read: not as sluggish). I still get cravings for meat, but I don't feel that they are necessary for my body. I've been eating more bad foods though, with lots of ice-cream, chocolate and potato chips! I need to cut down on that.

I am not vegetarian; I just don't eat meat for the time-being. It's been incredible - I've been praying more constantly, for myself as well as for other people, and I love being in touch with God regularly. I've been growing a lot in Him, and it is rewarding spiritually. I found out that I adore vegetables and egg now, and that I definitely don't need meat. I'm considering giving up meat permanently, seriously.

One week ago, I decided to go one step further and take off carbonated drinks from my menu. So far I've only had cravings once, and I think this will be easier than eliminating meat. As this week comes to an end, I'm still deciding what I should take off next. I'm too attached to chocolates to take that off (it failed last week but that was because of hormones, if you get my drift) I think.

It's time I started taking good care of my body, especially after what I've been doing to it since two years ago. I need to start valuing myself.

007 * WANT

Have you ever wanted something so badly it stung? To crave for something so strongly that your insides hurt and your heart feels bruised? Wanting is a powerful emotion. If you look at the seven deadly sins - lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride - you'll find that wanting is behind all of them. Lust is the excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature. Gluttony, the insatiable wanting to overindulge in anything (more commonly food). Greed, of course, is a sin of excess as well, fueled by the want of more, more and more personal gain. Sloth, the sin of laziness, is the want to rest/slack or the want to just lie there and do nothing, in layman's terms. Wrath is the want to be able to leash uncontrolled feelings, of anger, hatred and violence. Envy is the want to be like somebody, or the desire to have something that belongs to someone which they perceive themselves as lacking. Pride, in Chinese terms, the wanting of 'face', of being able to hold your head high, of being the best (egotism) - a want to be more important or more attractive than others. As Economics teaches us, human wants are insatiable and limitless. The more people get, the more people want. This is progress for us. We make two dolls and are not satisfied. We make machines to make more dolls. We make machine-producing machines. We use 'lower-caste' people to operate these machines.

How can people think of progress as a good thing? Does it all matter, at the end of the day, when the sun dies and humans kill themselves and their world as a result? Just to satisfy a desire that continues to grow and never be satiated? Does it matter that we use take advantage of certain people as a means to our end (pun & irony intended)? On the other hand, if we are going to kill ourselves by torturing the earth, then why do we need to care about progress and all those high-sounding ideals? What is the use?

[to be continued]

006 * FEELINGS

So, it's the end of my two weeks in Thailand. Not that I've actually done any real sightseeing, other than on Koh Phi Phi. Canada was chock-full of painful memories for me, and Thailand, on the other hand, comprised of genuinely happy experiences. Yet both have made me ponder and wonder, and have both messed with my internal wirings. Again, I shouldn't let everything affect me so deeply. It must be hazardous to my health. Honestly, it was an impulse move to visit Thailand and to volunteer there, but hey, spontanity has its rewards, and this is certainly a fine example.

I have so much to write, but once again, it's insecurity preventing me from displaying my heart on my sleeve. Maybe it's part of me that selfishly wants to make my trip in Thailand solely mine. I don't know where to start. Thailand is surreal. I went there with the assumption that people are shy and conservative, and in a few cases, been proven completely wrong. Thailand is a land bursting with colour, culture and tradition. Besides beautiful beaches and graceful women decked in gold, Thailand has so much more to offer. I confess, my fascination with Thailand started because: they were the only country in SEAsia that wasn't conquered by the Japanese, Chang and Eng, the fact that everyone still had so much love and respect for their King and bashfully, also the movie Anna and the King, which I loved when I was young, with its gold finery and grand splendour. I also thought that because of well, the transvestites, it's also a place where one can freely choose for themselves what they want to be. Sexuality and racial preferrences can be adopted according to choice. It's such a contrast between the liberty there and the rigidity to conformation here. I can't believe it's taken me so long to finally step out of my shell and visit our neighbours. All that culture, all that grand history all around me, and there I was, a frog in the well acting like an arrogant arse. I've only seen that one part of Thailand, and it has amazed me so already. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more of Thailand. I still didn't get to get any information about that singer with the sexy voice though, although now I know her name ;) What I didn't know about Thailand is definitely the darker side of it. Women are sold all over the place for prostitution, gender rights are still very unequal, the politics etc. Yet that just adds to the intrigue that is Thailand. You can't really define a country, and all you can do is perhaps just try to gain a fuller picture of its social, political and economical background. Thais are probably the best representative - the children are the loveliest in the entire world if I might say so, and the adults are kind, nice and very friendly. To the extent that sometimes I'm a little scared of them (but that is reserved for another post another day).

Two weeks. Five schools, two orphanages, one adult conversational class, numerous ultra-nice people, twice that number of mosquitoes, lots of alcohol, sunny smiles, bare feet, shimmering sea, warm sand... seems like a good vacation. And it was (okay maybe except the mozzie part). Only it wasn't meant to be one. "What happened to summer vacation?" exclaimed one shocked volunteer after she found out that I was doing intensive German before volunteering in Thailand. Yet what I don't understand, is how she can find doing such things a chore.

My thoughts are all over the place. I'm in desperate need of a filing system. The window is drenched with sunlight, the speakers blare a sad song, and my heart is trying to forget my yearning to return. As Damien Rice sings, I can't take my mind of you. I think of those cherubic faces and cheeky smiles, and my heart melts. I know I would die if I were to become a teacher, but for now, I would give anything to be with them at this very moment. The children is not the only part - there are also the awesome TVC people, the Jerung staff (my Thai family!), my fellow volunteers, the Lazy House guys, the Thai volunteers et al. I miss all the quirks and precious moments. There may be some things you can't remember, but everything is an integral part of my collection and will remain in my heart for years to come. I am extremely priviledged to be able to meet some intensely passionate people, people with a desire to better their country, people with a strong calling to help their world, people who possess a gigantic heart and expect nothing in return. I am humbled, dwarfed and have shrunk to probably about one foot tall.

It's one thing to teach a song to a student; it's another for the student to sing it back to you the following week. It's one thing to make a fool out of yourself in front of a class and get the students laughing; it's another to get the entire class to do that exact action and laugh together. It's one thing to hand out candy to students; it's another when a student shares her lollipops with you. It's one thing to spend time with someone teaching him how to pronounce a word properly, and another when he tells you it's become his favourite word the next lesson. (And I can really go on and on, but.) In the end, it's the little things that really count, and I guess all I'm saying is, there were so many unexpected surprises along the way that more than made up for any inadequacies during the process.

I miss everyone so badly, I don't know what I'll do if I never get to go back. I was just watching the video of Maad (how to spell?), Bow, Nam and Mai dancing, and a strong bittersweet feeling fills my lungs and suffocates me. I should never allow myself to get so attached. But how can you help it? How can you control your feelings? I've never been good at restraining myself emotionally. Canada has made me a human again, grinding me back to basics and forcing me out of my comfort zone. If I get so attached to some kids I've only known for such a short time, it must be much worse for the kids themselves.

Strange men literally helping me cross the road, by carrying my bags and holding my hand (uh do I look like 8 to you?). People coming up to me and speaking incessantly in Thai. Weird men trying to huddle close and wanting to 'go with me'. Cars stopping and asking if I would like a ride (this is very common and safe in Thailand but accepting it is an invitation for rape, plunder and/or murder in certain parts of Malaysia). Funny people asking me my opinions on love and relationships (how do I resemble Dr. Love?). You find weirdos everywhere, and that list isn't even exhaustive. Sorry, but I'm used to a country where people generally mind their own business, and I expect people here to stare in shock and then rush to jot down the car plate number for 4D if they witness an accident.

The smiles, the laughter, the sweat, the mosquito bites. The worries, the sadness, the insults. The jokes, the puns, the passionate speeches. The anxiety, the laidback style, the feeling at home. So many different emotions and feelings have run (and are still running) their course through these two weeks; it's truly my good fortune.

Thailand is a blessed land indeed. The tsunami may have caused destruction and wrecked havoc physically, but the spirit of the people still live on. Hope, spirit and love. That's all you need.

005 * ABOUT ME

christmas is an 18-year-old who tries to verbalise her thoughts in pursuit of tangibility and almost always fails in her perfectionistic eyes. she likes capturing little details and insignificant moments with her mind, her pen+notebook and her canon s5 is for keepsakes. christmas recognises that life is a paradox and embraces it for paradoxes make up her life. she likes to fight for things she wants and also give up on things that aren't worth her time. call it a matter of priority. christmas is slightly schizophrenic and very sensitive physically and emotionally. crying means a lot to her as people hurt for a reason, and to her it is part of growing up. her taste is expensive and thinks the best things in life are far from free. she is trying to give up the lure of words and meanings that complicate her life too much, and make her way to a humanitarian career that actually does give meaning to the lives of others. she loves god with all her heart yet has her doubts about organised faith. it is probably the only part of her life where she can believe wholeheartedly without evidence or facts. christmas loves exploring new places and is independent and free-spirited. she is also trying to redefine herself every moment of the day and stop disliking herself too much. she likes thinking, gaining new experiences and watching time fly. christmas needs to read more material and read less into people. she also needs to reattach to the real world and stop thinking the worst of her fellow homosapiens.

004 * SECRETS

Today I called someone silly, but indeed, sometimes ignorance really is bliss. It scares me how much I'll do to find out certain things, but in the end what I really find out is that I shouldn't have let my curiosity get the better of me. Now it feels like I'm being weighed down with too many secrets. Yet, like I quoted from the comic Conan the Detective, A secret makes a woman woman. It might have been a joke because both of us love Conan, but I think there really is some truth to that statement. I do have many secrets, and perhaps it makes me more interesting, perhaps it makes me more mysterious, but perhaps it makes me more insecure as well.

Now I fully understand what it means to be fully helpless, to be totally relient on His will, to depend on Him. Although yesterday I still lamented that I couldn't feel His presence and I knew that I was being honest, it's been so much better since then. Praise the Lord, really, for You work in miraculous ways.

His verbosity versus my 'quality > quantity', his usage of fancy words versus my 'short, sweet and succinct'... How different we are, yet how similar we can be. I can't compare things, as I found out during my exam today. Two things are too disparate and have too much of their own flavours that to compare them would be to commit the folly of overgeneralisation and depreciate their values. So much for the lack of verbosity.

003 * 28 STORIES OF AIDS IN AFRICA

AIDS – we’ve all heard of it - the staggering figures of infections throughout the world, how to prevent the spread and the need to raise awareness for the disease – our knowledge of AIDS are only to this extent. There is no real need for anyone who is out of the know to want to find out more about AIDS, who it affects and what happens after people are affected. This is the first step to generating an interest about AIDS and only when enough people are concerned will something actually be done about it. Nolen’s book has given the masses 28 chilling accounts of AIDS patients’ encounters with AIDS, and how it has affected their lives. It gives the readers a personal insight as to how this disease has affected them on a one-to-one level.

“People die in their houses because they know that if they go to the hospital there is no one there – they die without even a little Tylenol to relieve that pain because they can’t even afford that.” I read this line with a stinging in my heart. It is truly heartrending to know the conditions of the healthcare industries in Africa.

This book raises many questions that speak to us and our conscience, ultimately. Why is it that the epidemic was first detected it was in the US, and only after several testings did they find it rampant in Africa, where it first emerged? The level of treatment in a First-world and a Third-World country is so disparate that it brings to mind the phrase that ‘some animals are more equal than others’. Does being born in another country deny one of basic human rights that people in First World countries expect? What is being done about AIDS in Africa, and how much are people willing to give to solve ‘someone else’s problem’? Is it really someone else’s problem? How altruistic can we really be? Shouldn’t companies receive hard-earned money for their years of research to find an antiretroviral drug? How much of a social responsibility do we have to give to rebuild someone else’s country?

Indeed, selfish questions like some above have added to the full-blown epidemic of AIDS in Africa. This is a pressing problem that requires intervention immediately, and even though organisations such as Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) have stepped in to aid with the HIV crisis, there still is much to be done.

Every single story plays on the emotions of the reader – tugging at our heartstrings and making us wonder what indeed is being done for most of the 28 people and similar patients of HIV. Yet a lot of these 28 are strong advocates that have changed the mindsets not only for the people in Africa but also our mindsets as readers. If I were to get HIV, my first thought would be “How long till I die”, but these people possess a tenacity that did not hold them back from accomplishing what they set out to do, or what they can do. People in positions of high authority came out of the shadow and shared how they contracted HIV, and became the best people to speak about prevention. Others such as nurses or doctors work tirelessly to help infected patients in their own ways. Personally, I see how God has been working through many of these patients and what purpose they served. Africa consists of countries with corrupted governments, low standards of living and education, and now epidemics of HIV that does not seem likely to ease up if people still engage in casual sex without any protection. People are also unwilling to speak up and step out to share their story, which is understandable. Even in 2005, when 800 people a day died of AIDS in South Africa, no one liked to say the word. HIV-positive patients who have spoken out are seen in a different light – “the hate and hostility [Winstone] had encountered in his twelve years of living openly with the disease”. As Nelson Mandela said, “Let us give publicity to HIV/AIDS and not hide it, because the only way to make it appear like a normal illness, like TB, like cancer, is always to come out and to say somebody has died because of HIV. And people will stop regarding it as something extraordinary.” Sadly, the shame of the disease is still so great that many continue to deny any possibility that they could be infected even as they display the symptoms, leading to even more infections.

“There are three main external variables in the AIDS equation debt: debt, aid and trade.” This is a vicious cycle that has left much of Africa devastated. Debt has left reserves high and dry, aid has been insufficient and poorly put to use, trade has been susceptible to exploitation (such as sweatshops by U.S. firms such as Nike and Gap). This has left Africa in ruins. Low wages, the very real possibility of contracting HIV and the condition Africa is in has led to the drain of medical personnel to other developed countries such as England. There are not enough people to handle the epidemic. Malawi “lost the equivalent of a whole year of graduates from its nursing colleges to the United Kingdom, and many of those who stayed behind deserted the public system… It wasn’t hard to understand why: the massive workload, the appalling conditions (few hospitals can keep latex gloves in stock, for example), the fact that before ARVs there was nothing they could do for most patients – all that for $100 a month?”

All over Africa there are people with HIV, who, because of cost or logistics, cannot get access to the medicines that would keep them alive. However there are also well-educated, gainfully employed people in Zimbabwe who cannot afford the drugs because the prices have been pushed entirely out of reach by rampant inflation. Moleen knew “she was dying because of an entirely artificial crisis, created by a megalomaniac president and perpetuated by the failure of other African leaders and the rest of the world to intervene.” The solution now is not to try to change the African government, but like the direct need of doctors, implement policies to intervene in the crisis. Although new generations of politicians and healthcare personnel have to be trained and raised, the more pressing problems have to be solved by foreign intervention.

Much of the discussion about the politics of AIDS in Africa focuses on the response and lack thereof of the West, but domestic African policies is just as pivotal. The first response towards the West’s claim was one of denial, and cited racism as a purpose. The governments, especially in South Africa have failed to embrace AIDS. Mbeki, for example, was against ARVs, and suggested that the furor around AIDs was a façade drawing attention away from inequity questions. He had let racism cloud his mind and failed to recognize what his country desperately needs. As Zackie puts it, you cannot let other people’s perceptions and prejudices draw your policy. “There is no doubt that strong leadership is the key to any effective response in the war against HIV… When the top person is committed, the response is much more effective.”
Nelson Mandela’s sharing of his son’s having AIDS made AIDS ‘all a bit more normal, a little less shameful’. The first step is to not be ashamed of your family member who has AIDS – how he will disgrace your family name – but to come to terms with the disease and accept him. Ironically, Mandela did not do much to help or publicise AIDS when he was in office. He could have done so much to help, but he did not. “In 199 ways, he was our country’s savior. In the 200th way, he was not.” The epidemic signifies a human struggle, a failure of leadership (“When historians write about HIV/AIDS, when they write about this period in time, they will ask – ‘Where were the leaders of Africa?’ “)

Ida, one of the ‘savviest, most dynamic AIDS educators’ in Africa had HIV. Doctors, nurses, military personnel, highly educated people who should have known better have contracted HIV and AIDS. Yet the solution to this problem is not quarantine, like we would normally avoid people who confessed what they were a victim of HIV. The social stigma of HIV and AIDS will always be present, but proper education should reach out to the masses to dispel this connotation. Avoidance and stigma show a lack of knowledge and a character that shows the ignorance and narrow-mindedness of the people. Diseases are aplenty in the world, and it would be difficult to not know someone who has an incurable disease even today. Avoidance is not the answer, but rather acceptance and encouragement.

We learn how HIV has affected these people’s lives, and how they try hard to live a normal life. For example, Andualem married an HIV-positive wife and tried to minimise the risk of his child being born with HIV. If I were him, I would give up all thoughts of living, much less marriage or offspring. Some of these accounts display extraordinary courage that some might term selfish. But to me, it is a brave attempt to carry on their lives in the most normal way as possible. Getting the disease is not the end of the world, but a mere turning point. It is up to the individual to decide if this turning point is for better or for worse.

What these people possess are optimistic spirits that proclaim: “A world without AIDS may not happen in our lifetime, but it is possible.” It is one thing to find hope, but another to find hope among such despair and chaos amidst a country with an AIDS epidemic, corrupted government and immorality. Yet as Ibrahim Umoru, who benefited from MSF’s programme puts, “I was a lucky man, but what about everyone else?” We see the lack of knowledge about HIV and AIDS even in Africa herself. We would expect the Africans, who have been most heavily hit by this epidemic, to know much more about HIV than other people out of the loop, especially when it is so close to home. Yet myths and lies such as using condoms will exacerbate the spread of HIV and fat girls do not have HIV unveil the lack of awareness where it is much needed. Religious actions such as condemning the use of condoms in the Catholic faith only serve to worsen the condition of HIV. The ‘A’ and ‘B’ of the ‘ABC’s of protection does not help to alleviate the condition in Africa now given the normal social practices. Even by themselves, ‘A’ and ‘B’ contradict with ‘C’. These are mixed signals that can only confuse the masses in Africa. There has to be a united way of spreading unified information.

One of the stories that touched me deeply was the short but moving story of Mpho. She did not indulge in unprotected sex, she did not deserve HIV or AIDs in any way – she was just twelve. ‘Virgin wives who waited 34 years’ to have sex on their marriage night had HIV, patients who were unwittingly infected with unsterilised needles in the hospital contracted HIV … these people did not deserve to get HIV. Yet they live in a society where HIV is prevalent and they can do nothing about it. Every single day people in Africa live with a higher risk of being exposed to the disease, either through their partners or through shared needles.

Women also get HIV by being with their husbands, voluntarily or not. In the case of Morolake, she had sex with her husband to comfort him although he was confirmed to have HIV. Divorce is almost unheard of in their society, and even if the husband is infidel or marries 2 other wives, divorce is not an option. Her fate is sealed if her husband contracts HIV. “Socially, culturally, religiously, everything around you screams ‘No’ to divorce.” Women make up the bulk of AIDS victims as biologically; they have a larger surface area of the mucosal cells which HIV attaches to. Their genital tissues are also much more likely to tear during sex. “Yet a toxic mix of culture, religion and economics often leaves women unable to do anything about that risk.” Many women also have to exchange sex for trade, right to pass and food. In a society where women’s rights are not widely recognised, it is difficult for a woman to escape this fate of being stricken with HIV and AIDS. There are many areas that ‘this global travesty’ can be relieved, and there has to be a multi-pronged approach to this epidemic. Ultimately it’s not only curing a continent of AIDS or HIV, but also treating the problems that are so deeply rooted in the societies, the societal norms, the leadership and so much more.

The epilogue ends with “Each day in Africa, 5,500 people die of HIV/AIDS – a treatable, preventable illness. We have twenty-eight million reasons to act.” Indeed, this is what Nolen’s book strives to portray. She uses real-life stories to convince people that something has to be done. Each one of the 28 stories speaks for itself. She not only shows us the gravity of the situation, but also why she risks her life to do her job in dangerous Africa and what has to be done to salvage what seems like a hopeless case at standing. All in all, 28 Stories of AIDS in Africa is a plea for something effective to be done, an educational tool to equip people everywhere with awareness and knowledge of how HIV/AIDS has affected patients’ lives, and a strong question for mankind as to what we are really doing to our world. Can we really sit back and watch another 28 million people die before action is taken?

002 * HAPPINESS

Happiness is what we can find in a a silver spoon and while it teeters on the edge of spilling out, we know that we can grasp it so long as we try hard enough. I like happiness because it brings warmth and comfort. But happiness is a self-delusion if we think too much, and only a genuine state of mind if we don't think at all.

In some sense yes, perhaps beauty is personified only by suffering, hurt and pain. So does that mean we choose to be either happy or beautiful? Some people spend all their lives wishing they were beautiful, letting their happiness leak away from their fingertips. Some people spend all their lives wishing they were happy, and the beauty drains out of their faces. It's choosing between the lesser of two evils. If neither beauty nor happiness can bring us contentment, does that make ugliness and unhappiness a more feasible state to regress to?

Opportunity cost. If the opportunity cost of beauty is happiness, then which brings greater utility? According to the diminishing law of marginal utility, too much beauty will give us less utility, less happiness. We contemplate whether utility is happiness. If too much happiness brings us less utility, but utility = happiness, then we are faced with a paradox too complicated to decipher.

Moral of the story: life is a huge paradox. Then there's probably no point living, because a paradox is a trap - the left will lead to the right, and the front will lead to the back, and ultimately we realise we have not moved one step from where we were standing in the beginning.

My happiness is derived from a state of alienation - but a serene tranquil type, not one of loneliness and desertion. Yet my happiness is not complete without you. There's acid biting away at my insides with every pang, every yearn, every desire. It's wrong to miss you, the voice in my head says, it's wrong to try to cling on to every little bit of you I have left, especially what I did to you. I haven't been meaning to miss you, truly.

Every time I tread the line, there're invisible nylon threads pulling me back into the undisturbed state of solitude. It is this stable form that encompasses me into the vacuum and it is here that we can examine the science of love under our bell-jars - undisturbed and free from turbulence. But can I really treat my heart like a specimen, with the microscope light glaring it in the face? I cannot explain why I love you, but I do, I do, I do. Yet I do not have the right to, nor do I want to.

There's no way being rational about this, I can feel myself falling and falling into a bottomless abyss and yet I consciously make no effort to hang onto the crevices. I do not wish to melodramatise this, but perhaps I think better in extremes. I've always attempted to arrange my life in straight lines, employ cost-benefit analysis for everything, but sometimes scientific and mathematical methods fall short of quantifying it.

I am not worth the love, the cherishing, the treasuring, simply because I am lacking in decision, in faith, and in trust - but the beauty of everything is that God is still there assigning value to the worthless.

As much as we forget people, they never becoming a passing cloud, much less this special person. I've always felt a connection from the very beginning, and was intrigued in the most bizarre way in the beginning. It is funny looking back on that, because I have forgotten. And yet when someone makes a conscious decision to leave your life, there's nothing you can do about it. It just feels awfully empty, a huge part of yourself discarded in the storm outside, with the rain pelting you, the thunder shouting at you and the wind striking you into the very depth of your bones. I've been both the discarder and the discardee, and the former hurts more, really.

I would say "save me", but I don't think I want to. Happiness is really what you make of it, and if I have happiness in missing you and waiting for you, so be it.

When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.
- Albert Camus

001 * FRIENDS

I've done so much volunteer work in my life, and I have countless friends who are mentally challenged, or socially handicapped in addition to those who are physically handicapped. It kind of bugs me now that I realise I do not really treat them equally, like any of my 'regular' friends. It irks me that I make this distinction, intentionally or not. They have always shown me a pure heart and I don't understand why I've always treated myself as above them, regardless of what they say. As compared to friends that I am with on a daily basis, they are so much truer and so much simpler. So why do I treasure those friends that I am with on a daily basis more? It doesn't make sense, now you put it side by side. It's the same warped logic why you like this guy instead of the other when the other has so much more good qualities.

I've always been one to reach out to people who are sitting alone, or people who don't fit in. Even if they're not disadvantaged physically or mentally in any way. Yet I will never treat them in the same way as I treat my regular friends. Somehow the part of me that is 'being nice' can never be part of the 'real' me, it seems. I'm disgusted with myself, with the part of me that is elitist, that judges people on their thoughts, on the way they think.

Of late, it seems that there has been too much drama within this tiny boarding house. Fake friends, real friends, how do you differentiate? Does it really matter, since friendship is a facade anyway? I am destined to make friends with people who treat me as nothing, and people who treat me as everything. In other words, I am destined to live a lonely life. There might be bliss in solitude, but there is also the loneliness that hermits share, ironically.

If I were to lose the ability to think, please kill me.

When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space.

- Pema Chodron